Are You Buffering? Probably.

We all do it in one way or another. So what is “buffering”?

Buffering is doing something to avoid feeling our feelings. It happens when we are unwilling to feel the feelings and so we do something in order to trade one feeling for another. 

Two common and obvious examples of buffering are engaging in the use of alcohol and drugs. When things get tough, certain thoughts pop up that we are not willing to process or don’t have the tools in place to process properly, or if we just feel uncomfortable in some way we consciously or subconsciously turn to alcohol/drugs in order to feel different. This is usually rationalized as “relaxing”, “taking the edge off”, “lighten the mood”, or “liquid courage”. That stress or anxiety you were feeling? A few sips and that all goes away… until tomorrow. 

Alcohol and drugs are not the only ways people buffer. Other examples of buffering are:

📱 Browsing through your cell phone.

💻 Browsing through social media.

🥨 Eating/snacking.

📺 Video games/TV.

🗣 Talking (and talking… and talking)

🧹 Cleaning.

📈 Working.

All of the above activities, including drugs and alcohol, are not bad behaviors in and of themselves. Trust me, I enjoy a glass of wine or a cocktail from time to time. But if you are using those activities as ways to distract yourself from feeling your feelings then they are a problem. These activities are so normalized in our culture here in the US that most people don’t even realize they are buffering. Especially when it comes to cleaning or working. These are productive activities that are rewarded by our culture. And any behavior that isn’t disrupting someone’s productivity isn’t considered a problem.

Drinking whiskey

So how do you know if you’re buffering? Here are a few questions to ask yourself. If you answer YES to any of them, then you are likely buffering some feelings. 

❓Do you require or prefer to include alcohol in social situations? 

❓Do you regularly have a drink after work? 

❓When you are out with a friend and they get up to leave for the bathroom do you immediately start looking at your phone? 

❓Do you check your emails or social media on your phone multiple times an hour?

❓Are you always keeping yourself busy with something? 

❓Are you always working? Do you feel unsettled when you have down-time? 

❓Do you go in to the office even if you don’t need to be there?

❓Do you feel the need to fill in silent moments with talking, tv, or other noise/sounds?

This is not an exhaustive list of buffering behaviors, but you get the idea. 

Changing your feelings does not address the root problem. Numbing yourself sublimates your stress and anxiety which, over time, causes a snowball effect and will result in larger problems. It will just intensify whatever emotions that you aren’t addressing and will eventually, in the best case scenario, result in burnout. In the worst case scenario it will explode in to a major emotional and/or physical breakdown. Either way, it’s not good. 

So the next time you go to pour your next drink (or whatever behavior you are about to engage in), stop and ask yourself why you are doing it. And the next time you have a tough day stop yourself to and try to sit with the feelings that you’re feeling, acknowledge them, even name them. See what comes up. 

Remember: having feelings, good or bad, is a sign that you are alive. Understanding why you’re feeling what you feel is part of the thought-work you need to do when structuring the life that you really want. And you can’t do that if you’re numbed out.